Don't avoid the obvious. Please; not only will it be a be a benefit to me but it will also make me feel better. Stop trying to act like you know everything when what you don't know id right in your face. Please. I'd really appreciate it. I guess angry music makes me feel good. It makes me feel better. And it's not really angry music it's just music that expresses different feelings then getting bitches and money. Angry music and alternative music is something 99% of the world can relate to. Very few people can actually just go to the club with money and get as many bitches as they want. You don't understand how hard this is for me. I want to send the letter but how do I know it's going to make me feel better. I keep feeling like sending the letter is selfish because all it does is make me feel better. But when that's over what happens next? What do I do to ease the pain? Some self harm. But what good does that do? Some drink and do drugs. But what good does that do? What do I do? Write. I type or write down anything that comes to mind. It gets what ever is bothering me off my mind but it still hurts. And then it comes back to my mind. The two reasons why I write and type is because of sadness and anger. How fair is this to me? I don't think it's fair at all. I don't deserve to feel this way. I feel like I've turned bitter and an emotional wreck and that's not who I am. My anxiety level is out of control. My heart pounds so hard it hurts. Any emotion feels like it's ten million times the size of a normal one. What do I do?

The obvious would be that I am hurt. I feel like I should be saying i'm used to it. But it is right for me? Is it fair to me that my whole life has been filled with hurt. Can I go a month with out something going wrong? I feel bad that I am always down but what else can I do? I can't hide the way I feel. I don't want to keep things bottled up anymore. Things still stay inside but they come back to bite me in the ass. Whether it's a complete meltdown or it's a burst of anger. Some people remind me so much of the past I feel like taking it out on them. I'm very thankful for my self control. Living in an area where you constantly had to look for trouble was not only bad for my health and mind but terrifying. Boy am I glad to be done with that. But living in such a situation taught me to stand up for my self; and being yourself is okay! Each day is given to you. Some may not deserve it but it sure is worth living. Some think each moment and each day is not worth the pain. Some only think of the hate and the pain. Some think of pain and happiness. Some think of only happiness and when they are hurt, they are not prepared for it. I feel bad for the best ones who make the most out of everything and everyone. I don't mean to be a pessimist but this world is just not made up to what its said to be. Don't be always negative and don't always be positive. Be somewhere in the middle, you will be best there. That's where I am. I know things will get better but I also know I will always be hurt. Meet your self somewhere in the middle.

Obviously you don't understand a thing any one throws at you. It could be right in front of your face and it still wouldn't matter because you are so oblivious to it. Do you even understand how much you truly hurt me? You ripped me to pieces and it doesn't seem like you even care. The fact that your daughter wants nothing to do with you should be tearing you apart. But it isn't is it? Obviously its not. If it was I wouldn't have to send this letter. Every time I think about you or what happened not only does it make me sick to my stomach but I either want to punch something or bust out crying. And when it happens in public or at school it makes it ten times easier. I can control myself just a little better now but everything still reminds me of you. I don't know what it is. I can relate a song or movie to you. The thoughts that come to my mind are never good ones, always every thing you've done wrong. The past may have been forgiven but that will never be forgotten. You are a father. But you sure don't act like one. Don't tell your self everything will be O.K. because it won't be. Do you get that? Nothing will ever be O.K. You make think right now things are going good but you have no idea what's coming your way. The only important thing in your life is yourself. You are a liar. Always have been and always will be. You threw everything you had away. My trust, my love, my respect, and you family. You threw us in the trash like it was nothing. This letter is not for you it is for me, to get over you. Maybe writing ans sending this will get you off my mind. My life is hard but not as bad as some people have it. After everything you've done, through all the pain and heartbreak you've put me through. Three things came of it. I know who to trust. Through your lies and manipulation I can tell through the way people talk and their actions if they are lying or not. It is very sad I had to learn that from you. The second is that
some people are just not worth getting all worked up for. My heart is stronger, yet I'm still weak. I wonder why that is. Maybe because my father who I used to think was the best dad in the world abandoned me knowing what was going to happen.I told you, I want nothing to do with her. And if you were going to be involved with her I was not going to be in your life. I made that pretty clear because I told you almost those exact words. The pain you have put me through most people think would in unbearable. You must not know how much you hurt me. You are still hurting me. I miss you and want you in my life. The thought of you not being there for my first everything. I know you getting married, I saw it coming. Never in my life have I ever been more disgusted with anyone! And to know it's my father. Half of my blood is yours. I want you to think about this. Read this out loud. Maybe you'll understand it a little more. Read out loud " I left my kids. My son and my daughter. My mother, my sister, my nieces and my grandparents, and my father. No body is there for me. I'm with a women who probably doesn't love me as much as I love her. She probably is sneaking around again but i'm to stupid to realize and i'm to weak to stand up for myself. I'm out of time. I'm out of chances. Do I get out now while I still have time to get back on my feet and show my REAL family I'm worth the millionth chance? Do I get up off my lazy behind and take a chance of my own and be a grown man? Do I show my children I can do this? Do I truly miss and love them? Or am I finally glad to be out of that trap." I know you must think you have it so hard. Just remember everything you put me through and everything you are putting me though. DO you honestly think you're doing the right thing? Or is this just best for you. You tend to choose what is best for you and not good for anyone else. Maybe when you get you life together and you choose the right people in your life you won't be dead. I remember the times we would listen to Toby Keith in the truck. I remember listening to the songs and listening to you sing. When I was still young and dumb. Now i'm older and wiser. I know what you do. I know what you've done. It's so hard trying to think of anything good. Any good memories we've had. They are all so cloudy by all of the hurt and pain.
Is he going be there? Is he going be there when I go to my first dance? Is he going be there for my sports? Is he going be at my graduation of high school? Is he going be there when I decide to go in to the navy? Is he going be there when I decide to go to college? Is he going be there for my wedding or my first child? Not all the questions but you get the idea. When I think of these I have to remind myself I don't want you there. How horrible is that? Horribly horrible, I know. But what else am I supposed to think? You deserve the dad of the year award? I think not! I really wish I could hurt you as much as you hurt me. I really wish I can hurt you as much as i'm hurting. The third and last thing you've taught me is to really pay attention to who truly loves and cares about me.

Obviously you don't know when to stop. Of course we love you. We love you with all our heart. Is it honestly necessary for you, an adult, a 51 year old man, to question a child. You constantly complain that we are always in your business between you and my mother. And now you feel the need to drag us into it. You constantly throw everything back on us. It is never  your fault, it is always ours. Just because you repeat yourself over and over doesn't make your point. It just makes you look like an idiot. You don't get anything across besides the fact that you are a total asshole. But wait it's always my fault or her fault or his fault. Never you fault; I felt like I was being attacked. ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?! Get over yourself. You act like your 5 years old. You pout and walk away like your 2. And now you talk to my mom like she is a child? NO. You don't get to talk to her like that. I apologized. I'm sorry. MMM. MMM. MMM. WTF?! She listens to you. You don't let her EVER talk. Let me just never talk to you again because anything and everything I say  is thrown back at me. EVERY TIME! GET OVER YOURSELF. Act like an adult and get the fuck over it.. You don't understand the fact that you think everything is about you.